When cucumbers fail…
March 28, 2007
According to that Usher song, the ideal woman should be a “lady in the street but a freak in the bed.” And since every woman’s ideal life involves being the special lady friend of famous rap artist (or any wealthy man at all) she should do everything in her power to fashion herself according to his wants and needs.
But what happens if you want sex when he’s away on business? You need a way to repress your desires. Hold them back until your man comes home and takes care of all your problems. But how do you do that?
Let’s step out of “Cosmo World” for a second and be serious. I’ve seen way to many ads about Viagra to think that anyone might still have trouble getting it up. What the population needs now is a way to keep it down, because sometimes the time you spend thinking about sex severly outweighs the time you can plausabily spend getting it on. Steve Carell has this problem in 40-Year-Old Virgin, and if you, dear reader, have never had it, well, you probably hate freedom. Now, freedom-haters, I know what you’re thinking. But it’s not true. I’m not a nympho. I prefer the term “normal.” I like to think of it as, you know, healthy. Sometimes it’s just a little hard to concentrate on homework.
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My friend once told me, after some unspecified research, that lettuce and cucumbers are anaphrodisiacs. For those of you who don’t get the idea of compositionality, that means they are supposed to decrease your libido, at least temporarily. But let me tell you something, people… they don’t work. You can eat all the cucumbers and lettuce in the world and the only thing that they decrease your desire for is salad. So what do you do? Put a bag of ice on your crotch? Take a cold shower? Think of your grandmother or Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day? No. None of those things work either. First of all, being so cold just makes you want to get all up on somebody to help warm you up. Second, a shower, even a cold one, involves nudity. Know what else you often do while naked? Have sex. There goes that. And seriously, people, thinking of your grandma? That’s just gonna give you some frighteningly bad associations to overcome when you finally get to be a freak between the sheets. Some people might even suggest that you have a “problem” and that you “need help.” Unless, however, your average Wednesday morning involves searching for your underwear in the sleeping bag of one of the homeless men on M Street.
So here’s what you do: nothing. There’s nothing you can do. And you know what that means? We’re supposed to want to bone all the time. There’s all kinds of things you can eat to pump up your heartbeat, but there’s nothing comparable to slow it down. Thus, the moral of this story is: when you’re hot, get somebody else hot, and do it. Do it hard. Do it all night. Just use a condom
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